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UNSENT · LETTERS TO AN EX

Letter to my ex: what to say when you cannot send it

A letter to my ex is the one you write when the conversation is over and the words are not. Here is how to write one, what to do about the urge to send it, and examples from people who kept theirs on the shelf.

Start a letter to an ex

To an exBeginTo my ex-girlfriendBeginTo my ex-boyfriendBeginTo my ex-wifeBeginTo my ex-husbandBeginTo someone I still missBegin

Each one opens a blank letter with the moment already on the envelope. No account needed.

What one can sound like

To Kayla, about the keys

Kayla,

You still have my spare key and I still have your good frying pan. I think about that more than I'd like to admit. It's a stupid thing to hold onto.

I'm not asking for either one back. I wanted to say the apartment was the best part of us, and I'm sorry I never told you that when it counted.

Ben
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS
What happens to it
There's no send button. These letters have no address.
Fold it and keep it on your shelf, where only you can see it.
Or let it go. It's deleted for good.
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Why write a letter to your ex

Most conversations with an ex end before the words do. There is the thing you thought of in the car afterward, the thing you could not say with their friends in the room, the thing you did not know yet. A letter to your ex gives all of that somewhere to go.

It also gives you something a text cannot: time. You can write it, leave it, and read it again tomorrow. You may find you are glad you did not send the first version.

Writing it can help a little. It will not bring anyone back, and it does not undo what happened. It lets you say it to the right person, in your own voice, without the risk.

EXAMPLE LETTERS

Letters to borrow from

We wrote these to show what a letter like this can sound like. Borrow a line, then make it yours: the small, true details are what make it land.

To Marcus, who I still check on

Marcus,

I looked at your profile again today. Nine months, and I still do it. You got a dog. Of course you got a dog.

I'm not writing to say I want you back. I'm writing to say I'm tired of being the person who checks. I'm deleting the app tonight and I wanted to tell someone.

Dee
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS

To Hannah, at 2 a.m.

Hannah,

I hate that I'm writing this at 2 a.m., which is when I write all my worst things. So here's the least bad one: I miss you. I miss you in the grocery store and in the car.

I'm not going to send this. In the morning I'll make coffee and be a person.

Luis
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS

To Owen, with no hard feelings

Owen,

I ran into your mom at the pharmacy and she hugged me for a long time. I almost cried between the vitamins and the cough drops.

I'm okay. I wanted you to know there are no hard feelings on my side. You were good to me for most of it. The rest we both know.

Anika
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS

To Ana, the one who left

Ana,

You left on a Tuesday, in the rain, without your umbrella. I stood at the window until the streetlight came on.

I used to rehearse what I'd say if you came back. Now I think about what I'd say if you never do. I'd say thank you for the three years, and that I'm sorry I never asked what you needed.

Chris
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS

To Tasha, the long version

Tasha,

You lied about the weekend in Atlanta and then you lied about lying. I've run it back so many times I could draw you the map.

I'm angry, and I'm going to let myself be angry on this page, because I don't want to be angry at your door. I hope the other thing was worth it. I mean that, and I don't.

Jerome
AN EXAMPLE TO BORROW FROM
MAKE IT YOURS

How to write a letter to your ex

Start with their name. Then write the way you would talk if you were not afraid.

  • Say what happened, plainly. One or two sentences. You are not arguing a case.
  • Say what you miss, and what you do not. Both are true.
  • Say what you are sorry for. Even if it is small.
  • Say what you wish they knew. This is often the real reason for the letter.
  • Say what you want, if anything. Sometimes the honest answer is nothing, and that is allowed.
  • Stop when it is true. A letter does not need a neat ending.

Use details. "The way you left the cabinet doors open" is better than "the little things".

A letter to my ex girlfriend that will make her cry

Some people search for a letter to an ex girlfriend that will make her cry. Underneath, the wish is often to be taken seriously, and to be felt.

Here is the honest part. A letter written to produce a reaction is a letter about the reaction, and it tends to read that way. The letters that move people are the true ones, with small specifics: the street, the song, the thing you got wrong. Write that one first.

Then ask who it is for. If it is for you, keep it unsent and let it be as raw as it needs to be. If you plan to send it, wait a few days, take out anything that is a hook or a guilt trip, and send it only if she has not asked you to stay away. A letter should leave her free to answer, or not.

Texts to send to your ex after no contact

Before anything else: if they asked you not to contact them, or the relationship was unsafe, do not send anything. Write it here instead.

If none of that applies and you have decided to break no contact, keep the text short, ask for nothing, and be fine with silence. Some shapes that stay honest:

  • "I've been thinking about you. No need to reply. I hope you're doing well."
  • "I found the book you lent me. Do you want it back, or should I leave it somewhere?"
  • "I'm sorry for how things ended. I'm not asking for anything."
  • "It's been a while. I'm doing better, and I hope you are too."

Do not send a text at night, do not send one after drinking, and do not send three in a row. If you are not sure it is a good idea, write the letter first. A letter can wait. A sent text cannot.

Keep it, let it go, or send it later

A letter for your ex does not have to go anywhere. In the Unsent department there is no send button and no address. You can fold it and keep it on your own shelf on your device, where only you can see it, or let it go and it is deleted for good. Unsent letters are never public.

If one day you want it to reach them, you can turn it into an Open When letter. Until then it is yours. For letters about the ending itself, see breakup letters and texts.

IF YOU ARE STUCK

Questions that help you start

  • What is the one thing you wish you had said in the last conversation?
  • What do you miss that nobody would guess?
  • What are you sorry for, even if it is small?
  • What would you want them to know you learned?
  • What place do you still avoid because of them?
  • What was true in the first year that you stopped saying out loud?
  • What would you say if there were no chance they would answer?
  • What do you want for them, and can you mean it?

Open When never writes your letter for you. These are only here to get the first line down.

QUESTIONS

Questions people ask

Should I send a letter to my ex?
Not necessarily. Write it first, then wait a few days before deciding. Ask what you hope happens when they read it. If they asked for no contact, or the relationship was unsafe, do not send it. If you still want to send something, write a shorter version meant for them, without anything designed to hurt or to pull a reply.
What do you write in a letter to your ex?
Start with their name, say what happened in a sentence, then say what you miss, what you are sorry for, and what you wish they knew. Use small, real details instead of big words. You do not have to end neatly. A letter you never send can be as honest as you like, because nobody is going to grade it.
Does writing a letter to an ex help?
It can help a little. Putting the words somewhere other than your head can ease the loop of rehearsing what you would say. It will not change what happened or replace talking to someone you trust. If the feelings stay heavy for longer than you would like, tell a friend, a family member or a professional.
What can I do with a letter to my ex?
You can keep it, let it go or send a different version later. Here you can fold it and keep it on your own shelf on your device, let it go so it is deleted for good, or one day turn it into an Open When letter. People also tear them up or read them aloud somewhere private. None of these is wrong.
KEEP READING

More letters like this

Letters unsent: write the one you cannot sendRead →Breaking up on text: when it is fine, and what to sayRead →How to write an apology letter, sent or unsentRead →Goodbye letter: how to say it when you cannot say it out loudRead →
Say it all. Then decide where it goes.
Write to an ex